Minnie
by ThatOneAnimagus
Summary: Sirius Black woke on Thursday morning with a purpose: to find a nickname for one Minerva McGonagall. James is helpful, Peter decides M&Ms aren't a candy bar, and Remus is wary of the whole ordeal. One-shot.


Thursday morning, Sirius Black woke with a purpose.

His roommates had learned in the past few months that when he had a purpose, bad things would often follow. Detention, losing points, being hexed, and having vividly dyed hair, to name a few.

This was why when Remus Lupin saw Sirius looking unusually determined, he gave him a skeptical look and asked, "What stupid thing are you going to do today?"

"Stupid?" Sirius said, pretending to be shocked. "Why, Remus, I never do anything stupid!"

"Never," Remus said dryly.

"Well, even if it's not stupid," said James Potter, another roommate, "What is it?"

"Everyone has a nickname, right?" Sirius said.

James nodded.

"Wrong," Sirius said. "Everyone has a nickname but McGonagall. So-"

"Oh, Merlin," Remus groaned. "You're not-"

"I am," Sirius said lightly.

"I'll help!" James volunteered.

"Me too!" Peter Pettigrew called from the other end of the dormitory.

"Brilliant," Sirius said.

"Any ideas?" James asked. He adjusted his glasses excitedly.

"No," Sirius said. "But by the end of Transfiguration, McGonagall will have a nickname."

They headed down to breakfast suggesting names with the exception of Remus, who simply sighed when he was asked for a suggestion.

"We could call her McG," James offered.

"Or what about something that rhymes with 'McGonagall?'" Peter said.

"Oi, Remus, are there any words that rhyme with McGonagall?" Sirius said.

"Monocle," Remus said. "But she doesn't wear a monocle."

"That's not the same spelling either…. Anything that ends in 'all' that still rhymes with 'McGonagall?'"

"I don't know, I'm not a walking thesaurus."

"Bugger."

Their first class, Herbology, resulted in Professor Sprout shushing them, saying that their talking would disrupt the growth of her venomous tentacula.

"But Professor," Sirius tried, "It's for a homework assignment that's due later-"

"If you have homework to get done, Black, it won't be done in this class," Sprout said briskly.

Potions was easy to talking in. They were doing a practical in groups. The classroom was already buzzing with noise, and no one noticed their off topic conversation.

"I think it should be M&M," James said. "Like the muggle candy bar."

"M&Ms aren't a bar, though," Peter said.

"What do you mean?" James asked, confused. "Of course they are!"

"I don't think they count as a candy bar," Peter said.

"Well, they do now," Sirius said. "Where'd you get the other 'M' from?"

"Her first name is Minerva, isn't it?" James said.

"Yeah…." Sirius appeared to be pondering something for a moment, then his face lit up as he said loudly, "That's it!"

"You're going to call McGonagall 'M&M?'" Remus said. "That's a terrible idea, you'll be asking for a trip to Azkaban-"

"No, I'm not calling her M&M," Sirius said, waving him off, "Even though that's a good one, we should save that. Anyway, from now on, Minerva McGonagall will be known as Minnie McG."

"Nevermind, you want a death warrant," Remus said.

"Minnie and I have a special relationship," Sirius said. "She'd never send me to Azkaban, much less kill me."

"You're delusional," Remus said flatly.

"Hey!" Sirius protested.

"He's not _too_ delusional," James said reasonably. "He didn't think he could convince Dumbledore to let us out of History of Magic-"

"That was him," Peter pointed out.

"Point being," James said, "I think Minnie McG is the perfect name for our dear Professor."

"The cauldron is about to boil over," Remus said.

"Oh, yeah. Peter, pass over some of that frog liver."

When it was at last time for Transfiguration, the boys approached the classroom with mixed emotions.

Sirius and James were sharing mischievous grins. Peter and Remus were more subdued, giving each other anxious glances.

The door to the Transfiguration classroom opened, and the students began filing through into the room.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter took their seats in the third and fourth row.

Remus pulled out a quill and parchment, as did Peter.

In the front of the classroom, McGonagall stood facing the class. Her black hair was pulled back in a tight bun and her lips were pursed as she surveyed the class.

Sirius winked at her as her eyes swept over the room.

McGonagall acted as though she had not seen. "Today," she said promptly, "We will be discussing- yes, Mr. Black?"

"Sorry to interrupt, Minnie, I just had a question," Sirius said innocently.

McGonagall gave him a long look over her spectacles. "What did you call me, Mr. Black?"

"Minnie. Unless you'd prefer 'M&M,' of course," Sirius said.

"'Professor' is fine," McGonagall said.

"But Minnie," Sirius said, "Everyone has a nickname except for you, and I thought you'd be feeling left out-"

"That'll be a detention, Mr. Black-"

"Minnie, dear-"

"That'll be another detention and twenty points from Gryffindor," McGonagall said. "Now if you'd let me continue with the lesson."

Sirius stopped talking.

"As I was going to say," McGonagall began, "We'll be talking about…."

Sirius turned to look at the others, grinning. "It's official. She's officially Minnie."

"You can't be serious," Remus implored. "She's a professor-"

"Aren't I always Sirius?" Sirius said.

"That's not what I meant-"

"Oi, Minnie!" Sirius called, interrupting the lecture again. "I'm Sirius, right?"

McGonagall looked at him and sighed. "You will pay attention in my class, Mr. Black," she said at last.

"See?" Sirius said. "She's already warming up to the name!"

"Like I said before: you're delusional," Remus said. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to listen to this."

"He just doesn't appreciate the bond Minnie and I have," Sirius told Peter. "Honestly, I think-"

"Mr. Black, please at least try and pay attention," McGonagall said from the front of the room.

"Sorry, Minnie!"

"And please stop using that ridiculous name as well."

"But Minnie, it fits you!"

"Mr. Black-"

"Alright, Minnie, I'll try to listen. So…. What were we talking about?"

McGonagall gave yet another exasperated sigh.


End file.
